Over the last 110-115 days, I've deliberately been watching what I eat, somewhat compulsively, but also cheerily, with the help of the myfitnesspal.com website.
I have lost very slightly more than 24 pounds, by keeping my daily caloric intake to between 1,200 and 1,500, with some notable exceptions like Thanksgiving and one particularly decadent night out with friends. I'm supposed to stay at 1,200 in order to lose 1.5 pounds a week, which was my original goal, but I'm not obsessed enough to kick myself for not keeping to that. And not kicking myself has helped.
In these 110-115 days, I've changed my way of thinking, (and I've developed a love affair with non-buttered popcorn as a nightly snack). I've felt as if I was in control of my body for the first time in ages, and in particular for the first time in the past two to three years.
In 2009 and early 2010, I lost 50 pounds, but that was due to illness, and I couldn't stop losing until the initial attack of my RA and scleroderma was under control. I liked losing the weight, but I was plagued by the knowledge that I wouldn't have been able to lose it on my own. Not at that time, anyhow.
In the past two to three years, my weight went back up pretty much to where it was before 2009. I told myself that I was OK with larger clothing sizes; that I carried my weight well; that I could look at myself with some healthy body positivity. For the most part, I wasn't telling myself lies.
But one day I got up, after a bad night of GERD, and something had changed in me. I really wanted to get my body under my own control, at least to the extent that any human can control I looked for a calorie counting program, because I knew that was what would work for me.
And the effort took. I don't know why, why I've been able to do this. But I am glad, and determined to stick with it. Yesterday I had to buy a new pair of jeans because all the jean I had would no longer stay up without a belt, and I'd tightened the belt to its final hole. I've been able to wear shirts that have been off-limits to me for close to two years.
This is under a cut because there are people who don't need to see it, and I respect that. But I had to talk about my own journey, still in progress, and how good it's making me feel so far. I hope it continues.
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